Friday, August 19, 2011

Dear Old Flame--the letter I'd write if I knew his address

Dear Old Flame:

I saw you not too long ago, and I'm not sure if you saw me. Maybe you were pretending not to see me. But then you were gone, and I was sad, because I need to tell you stuff.

First--how are you?

This is awkward.


I could say a million things, but they'd boil down to "I'm sorry I broke up with you by ignoring you. I was young and dumb." We had a long history together, and you deserved better. I've thought about you often, even though breaking up with you was the right thing for me. I know you have a son (two sons?), and I know you're divorced. I've been married for eons, and I have a son, too. Are you still funny? You were a hilarious, goofy guy, and you were so good for me. I've heard that now you're angry and sad. I hope that's not true.

Mostly I need to thank you and send you royalties. Remembering you allows me to write that gooshy, smooshy part of YA that is lust, longing, and sadness, all in a big lumpy ball. Without our up-and-down, crazy stupid love I could never have written Morgan and Rob and Derek, or Callie and Ray. In payment for this very handy repository of boyfriend drama, I'll send a check once a year for $1.398. That's 15% of what I make.

I really did love you. It was just young love that doesn't know anything.

I hope you can get happy again. I hope you have a long life. Every year on your birthday, I wish you a happy one. And you were a great kisser.

With much appreciation,

(drawing by Banksy. I love you too, Banksy.)


  1. this post would be a lot more fun if we knew which flame you were fanning

  2. How did I miss this post? This post = supreme goodness. I think you are grand for offering royalties in this case. Speaks highly of the Flame. I cannot say the same thing when it comes to most of my Past Boyfriend Lust Repository - would begrudge them the steam of my piss, actually - but the urge to write such a letter has come to me often.

  3. If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

    Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

    Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

    Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

    And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

    Insert subject line here and link it to: <=========> Your ex won’t be able to resist?

    Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

    It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

    And even begging to be with you.

    Here’s what I’m talking about: <=========> Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

    Thanks again.